It's the end of the world as we know it...

    Okay, maybe not the end of the world. Possibly just the end of this blog. I'm thinking I should just make the healthy move to a new one. Start fresh. Leave the gossip, the gloomy, and the gruesome jibber-jabber. Let it just be put to rest and start up my new and utterly boring blog about whatever I don't have the guts, or honestly just the tools, to upload to Youtube and vlog about. Sometimes I just get in these moods that just take over my whole body and typing on my computer just doesn't even seem possible. You ever get that feeling? Where sitting still for too long just makes it that much worse. Even though you are focused and completely thinking/doing something else. The frustration and anger just has a whole new being in your body that is pretty much uncontrollable. It stinks. It stinks like the nasty leftover water from when you forget to refill the water from flowers someone gave you.   Of course the flowers are never mine, which is perfectly fine with me. But honestly why should I have to smell the stank of someone else's flowers. They are a gift to you. From someone else.. Shouldn't it be either one of your jobs to take care of the rotten smelling water? Honestly people, if you want the gift of a dying flower, just take care of it. Sheesh..

    See, those are the rants that I just have no control over. The rants that no one ever really cares about. The ones that people are like.. "Really? She just wasted her time typing all that out?" These are the things that erk me. Irk? Erk? Who knows. Just sound it out.
    I have to make this a regular thing, this blog. Or the new one. You know what I can't seem to handle? Full sentences. This post is just packed with incomplete and run on sentences. I sure hope my bff doesn't see this blog. She's an English teacher. She'd kill me. The sentences. They just get smaller. And smaller. Ok, I'm done with that. Moving on, I can't seem to think of a good blogger name. So I might just keep up with this one for now. So does that mean this whole post was pointless? Possibly. But I think I'm going to just end it with a few fun facts.
::Ahem::

1. Sloths do a dance when they go poop, which is also known as the poop dance.
2. Walt Disney World is the second largest purchaser of explosives in the US after the Department of Defense. 
3. Astronauts can grow up to two inches in space because of the lack of pressure put on their spine.

These are from Dis website hurr.
Who knows if they are all actually true, but they're fun anyway.

So I'll get back to you about the new blog name. As for tonight, I'll just stick with what I know.

Luh Yew.

Christmas spirit or Spirit of Christmas

Four more days. Christmas is in four more days. Crazy how it feels as if yesterday was the last day of summer still. How I long for there to be one more super hot and beautiful summer day down at the boat. Amazing how much can change in a matter of a couple months. Super storm Sandy ripped my safe haven up and its all torn to shreds now. Of course, its been weeks since the tragedy and yes they have been able to clean up some of the debris and straighten up some of the mess. But what is hard to come to terms with is that no matter how much they clean up the streets of Seaside and repair the damaged boardwalk, no one really is aware of how much debris is in the ocean. They may say that some of the shore could be repaired by the time summer comes around again, but how can there be a shore without the ocean. Imagine this. You take a day trip down to the beach. You get there, lather up some sunscreen, as you would normally do, and once you give yourself enough time for the suntan lotion to absorb into your skin, you head down towards the water. As the tide comes up and grazes your toes, you catch sight of a 2x4. Maybe a couple steel pipes from the boardwalk. You start walking down the beach along the water and, careful, watch out for the rusty nails.

How many years will it take for the debris to be cleared out? How many accidents will happen before they permanently close down the beaches because they are no longer safe? Every summer since I can remember, I have made memories that last a lifetime down at the beach. The shore has been my savior, my hideaway, my friend and yeah, you can say that sounds lame and weird but it was always there. It was there when I wanted everyone gone and only the sound of the waves hitting the shoreline. When times got tough and I felt like shutting my voice and thoughts off, I turned to nature and the beautiful land it gave me. Having the beach so close to me has definitely helped me become more at ease with whatever problems I had in my life and it had helped me stay calm during stress related issues in my life. You could laugh at me and say I'm just another jersey girl obsessed with the beach. Call it whatever you want or whatever makes you feel better. The shore was most definitely a constant in my life. Something that, no matter what year it was, how old I was, how many children I had, it was something that I always pictured to be near every summer. I wanted my children to grow up the same way I was able to. I seem to be making it sound like the ocean died, or it all got swallowed up by the sea. Its still there. It's still strong, but it's definitely injured. It's just a matter of if the people in this world have enough patience and love for it in order to make it better and safe. People are so wrapped up in their own lives and always looking for ways to make their lives easier, that I feel like they will fix it to an extent. They will fix it enough for tourists to come and attractions to go up. But in the end, nothing will ever be the same.

As it gets closer and closer to Christmas, I feel worse and worse about how my favorite holiday feels forced. Why does it just not feel like Christmas? The lights are up, the presents are around the tree, the music is playing all around, and yet, something is missing. Something holiday related is absent and I can't for the life of me figure it out. I'm afraid to say that ever since the storm there's an odd darkness overlooking everything. It's just laying on the edge of everything. Constantly there in the background. One of those creeps you see following you or staring at you and you think to yourself, maybe if I just close my eyes or ignore it, it won't be there. Just a figment of my imagination. Sometimes, at least for me, that tends to make it worse.

Maybe I'm letting the whole shore thing get to me and bother me. Maybe it's super stupid to write a whole blog post on how much I miss the beach. But honestly I think this is good for the body. I'm talking about something that is on the Earth. Something that has been there for years. Not some technological device or a favorite shirt that got a stain on it. This is real life and real problems. Some people have their shirts. Some people have their fancy space phones. I have my beach. My forever love. My home base.
Instead of rereading what I wrote, I'm just going to post it because I know that if I reread it, I'll end up deleting a majority of it because it doesn't make sense.
I should probably get some rest now. It's late and I don't want nasty bags under my eyes.

cheers.

I'm not dead yet.

Hola blogger world.
So I'm currently sitting outside on my front porch, soaking up some cool sun rays before it gets too cold and i have to go back inside. I had a few errands to run with my mom earlier in the day after the gym, so once we came back from those I took Dylan out for some exercise because he was stuck in the house all day. So I've exercised the dog, myself, and now i'm just chilling. It's beautiful out. I'm not sure of the temperature, but there's a slight cool breeze and the sun is blazing out so its pretty much light sweatshirt weather. (I only have on yoga pants, and a thin sweatshirt on.) Since I'm in quite the mellow mood I figured I'd blog a little and discuss what has been going on lately in my "Oh so Wonderful!" life.
Last blog I did, which wasn't too long ago, I posted on my tumblr. I forgot that I had one, and I was looking and reading other people's tumblr's so I figured what the heck, I'll try it out again. And then I was trying to figure out if I liked Tumblr better or Blogger. Pretty sure I picked Blogger, but that may just be because I've been using it for so long and I'm just so used to it. (Don't go changing on me now!)
So, what else can I tell you. I'm still (legit) jobless. I still clean/landscape my grandmother's house. I've been doing that since forever.. (2000) and I work in my basement assembling wires for a side job for my dad's work, which we started maybe twoish years ago, and I also babysit a four year old who lives across the street, and I've been doing that for a year or twoo besides those, i'm jobless. Ha. Seems like more than what an unemployed person would be doing right? Yea, I agree.. but none of it is good enough I guess. I would still be doing all those jobs even if I had a full time job. Just because I wouldn't trust anyone else cleaning my grandmothers house, I'll still have that job down in the basement to do if i need any extra money, and the babysitting job is fun, so why would i give that up? I mean, the Full-time job would have to come first unfortunatley, but those I'd leep up with any spare time I had.
There is a big job coming up at my dad's work soon, where he makes different displays for different companies, and he told me that I could go and work it for the few months that they will have that specific job for. Which I right away jumped on because number one, it's a job, number two, it's not retail, and number three, it's a job.. Only probalem that I see is that most of the people that work there on the assembly line don't speak english and my dad gets up at like 5 in the morning. (i would be getting up at 5:30) I would MUCH rather work behind the scenes than deal with customers. adam works at Walgreens now and he always comes to me with ridiculous customer stories. I used to have those when I worked at Rite Aid. Thank god that's over with. So yeah anyway, that job with be from the week of March 4th to sometime in May, not sure when. Hopefully its like 12ish weeks, because that's what I estimated when I was trying to figure out how much I would make by the eend. I need some money for a car. My '95 Sebring has seen beeter days.(Shh, don't tell him) I originally wanted a Jeep Wrangler, which I've wanted a Wrangler for yearssss. Since i was a wee little pup. But since they're so NOT gas-friendly or efficient or whatever you wanna call it, I just put that goal on the backburner till I was making enough money and didn't have to worry about how much the gas prices with rising and how terrible my gas guzzler was. So then I thought about maybe a puddle-jumper. They're fun. And I learned how to drive a manual car recently so I figured why not because I like it a lot. but recently my dad has been looking into Wranglers, not sure why, but I think it's something he wants to be able to let sit in the driveway and work on a bit with me. (FINALLY!) I've wanted to do that with him since I was little. I always told him to get a shabby car and fix it up with me. He wasnt into it thought because he already went through that phase in his life and was on to bigger and better more expensive things; boats. After boats he went to motorcycle, which is swhat he is currently on, but now his phase seems to be still bikes and now sort moving into the car stage again. Odd right? men..
Anyhoozles, My 21st birthday is in like..4 months. That's crazy to me. I've been waiting for this year, for 2012, for ever. I remember when i was younger, taling to my mom about how I couldnt wait till I was 17 to get my permit and start driving, then I couldnt wait till I was 18 so I could drive alone everywhere and be free, and then I couldnt wait until I was 21 so i could go where ever I wanted to go and not be restricted anymore. But once I turn 21, what do I look forward to? Nothing. What a depressing thought. I guess 21 is the year where your childhood is COMPLETELY over with. Thats sucks hardcore. I had a blast when I was yonger. Doing things and getting away with it cuz I had no responsibilites, nothing to worry about, because that was my parents job, and I could just sit around and pplay. The point of your childhood is learning, growing, and playing. I feel like I did so much of all of those things. Now what do I do? I have to get a real job, play real bills, buy real food, and live a real life. No more dreaming about what it'll be like when I'm older. I'll be living that life soon enough. So maybe instead of counting down until my birthday, I should start living life everyday like it's my last. (corny!) I probably won't because I'm a lazy butt, but it's healthy to at least think that wy right? I think so.
So that's been some of my thoughts, llife choices and rambles as of lately. Not nearly all of them, but enough to suffice. Now, I should go back inside the house, straighten up my room a bit, and learn some basic spanish for next week.
Wish me luck!
Adiós!

Dogs, movies, and tissues. Oh my.

So it's been pretty busy around here lately. You know, because of the holiday(s) and such. Two days ago was Thanksgiving, yesterday was Black Friday, and today will just be another Saturday. Another Saturday will come and go and I will still be unhappy with my life. I'm sure it's perfectly fixable. Nothing is undo-able, but the unhappy portions could be fixed...right? I'm sure I could say that all I want but it won't help me at all...
Anyway, the point of my blog is to ramble on about my night.
So I spent it home. (big surprise there) I was supposed to hang out with my best friend today but something came up and she wasn't able to make it to my house any longer so that really bummed me out. I was really looking forward to it. She's not only a best friend but she's pretty much my other half. We've known each other for many years, (I'd need my fingers AND my toes to count) and I haven't really seen much of her in months. She lives up north for school and I live here with my parents because I don't go to school and I don't really do much traveling or anything. Anyway, I watched a couple movies online. The first one was 30 Minutes or Less and the second was 50/50. (Odd that they both include numbers..i just realized that..) 30 Minutes or Less was pretty funny. Too many curses in my opinion, but it definitely had its funny moments. Then I watched 50/50 and half way into the movie I realized that it was a mistake. It was definitely one of those movies that either I should watch with my best friend or just not at all. So I chose to watch it alone, and although it didn't end in sadness, the movie completely bummed me out. (this was definitely a bummed out night..)
The movie definitely focused on the fact that Joseph Gordon-Levitt has cancer and the process of learning about it and struggling to get through it and cure it, but a big part of the movie was who actually cared enough about him to be with him throughout everything. So that really hit me and made me really emotional because I've lost a few friends in the passed years because of "differences" and it just made me think about the people that I do still talk to and how would they be in a situation like that.
I don't need a ton of friends. Why would you want a bunch of friends that care for you a little when you could have a couple best friends that would do anything for you?

My closest friends are Adam and Maureen. They both know me better than I know myself most of the time and even though it sucks hardcore that I'm not close with my two girlfriends anymore, (one I'm still close friends with but not as close as it used to be, and one abruptly stopped being friends with me)I try and be positive about it. I always try and stay strong and think, I have Adam and Maureen. They know me, they love me, and that's all that matters, but being here at home, in the house that I've grown up in, had constant sleepovers in, had huge crushes on boys in and made tons of awesome memories in, I feel like it's all a constant reminder of what I've lost and what I can't have back.
I get it. Everyone grows up, everyone moves on and whoever ends up sticking with you the whole time definitely loves you, but it flippin' sucks. I always end up thinking about those times and memories and getting bummed out when there is no one that can come and distract me. Adam lives his life and works and does the school thing and Maureen is away at school for most of the year.

I hate changes, if you couldn't tell already...
So back to the main point of the story, if you can even understand any of this...
I finished the movie and Adam had texted me saying he was on his way home from his buddies house and since I was really upset I asked him if he was close by if he could stop by. Well, if we're getting technical, which I like it to be, Adam has to actually pass my house to get back home and I texted him asking him if he did so yet. Then he called me and said he'd stop by for a minute. (I never actually asked him to stop..)

So he came inside because it was a bit chilly out, and I just hugged him for as long as he would let me and then Dylan (my dog) came in and started making a ton of noise.
Some background info:
-Dylan gets really excited when Adam comes over because he absolutely loves him. I mean, anyone who wouldn't love Adam is just stupid because he's just a lovable guy...
-It was around 3:30am at this time so Dylan going crazy and crying would wake up my parents and that is no bueno..

So after Adam left a couple minutes later, and I had yelled (quietly) at Dylan for making so much noise. But when I looked down at him and saw how innocent he looked and happy that even though Adam had woken him up from his sound sleep, he was so overjoyed to see a familiar face and smell a familiar scent. I immediately broke down and started crying and before I knew it I was sitting on the floor hugging Dylan crying my eyes out. The best thing about Dylan or about any dog for that matter is that it's like they know when something's wrong. It's crazy how they know but they totally do. All Dylan did was sit there and let me hug him. He licked my cheek a few times, probably because of the salty tears, but he sat there and just let me hug hm and pet him. I cried and cried for probably 15 minutes and he eventually got up, stretched, and nudged me so he could cuddle up in my lap. (He's a boxer so he's not exactly a lap dog) He stayed with me until I was done thinking and crying and being a complete girl about my life, and when I finally calmed down, he looked up at me and gave me a sleepy look like, "It's alright, I'm here and I'll keep you company. Now stop moving around so much.."
Dylan's my second dog. We had a dog named George when I was growing up and we were the same age. My sister was lucky in 1991, she got a little sister and a puppy dog..
It crushed me when George died. Well, it crushed the whole family. My mom and I didn't want another dog after him but my sister and my dad wanted one. Long story short, years went by and one day we went shopping for something and came home with a puppy. For a month he was nameless (because we couldn't decide between Dylan or Oscar) and he was just a ball of fun and sleepiness.
He's the biggest cuddle-monster ever and he's not aware of his weight at all. He's now five years old, he'll be turning six right after Christmas, and I dread the day when he doesn't greet me at the door. I know, I know, that's terrible to think of. He's here and living and still a bundle of joy, but I feel like it's haunting me almost. I'm not sure why. It's sad and depressing but it does make me stop and think about him a lot. And makes me realize how much I love him. And even though I don't have Maureen and Adam around me sometimes when I need them, I always have Dylan to sit with me when my eyes are red and puffy and to snuggle up and cuddle with me when I need a warm shoulder to lean on.
I'm aware he's a dog and not a person, but the love that pours out of this dog is more than I've ever seen even out of a lot of people I know.

This is for you Dylan. Thank you for being my pet, my friend, and sometimes even my little brother.
Thank you for looking so cute and innocent that day we got you.
I love you

Ranting a few years too early?

So for some reason it's become the new "thing" to have your wedding on the tv or discussed in a magazine or public in some sorhttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gift of way. There has been a noticeable amount of celebrities who are tying the knot and showing it all on the tv. Of course I realize that there is always money involved when something is shown on the networks but I've noticed that more and more people are broadcasting something that in my opinion is quite personal. I've been to a few weddings in my time and every one of them is slightly different. Is that normal? I always thought that if it was a traditional wedding it was..traditional. I understand the bride and groom can have it however they want to because it's their day but what exactly makes it "traditional"? And how much can you change it before its not traditional anymore?
I decided to Google traditional weddings and see what I found and I stumbled upon the Wedding Expense Breakdown: http://www.wedalert.com/content/planning/expense_breakdown.asp
How insane is that? Is that actually how it used to be? And if so, does anyone still do it that way? I would feel so bad if the parents on both sides had to pay and my husband to be and I did not. Maybe the fact that I'm young and I was born into a world where people are way more independent but I always felt like weddings were something that two people celebrated and shared with their family and friends. Not something that the family threw for the two lovebirds. I see how in a way it makes sense because the two people getting married and are just starting their lives so they don't have that much money to spend on a wedding and other things but to completely split the bill of everything between the two pairs of parents is absurd to me. I can see the parents "helping out", but absolutely not paying for the whole thing. Crazy talk.
Am I the only one that feels this way? Am I just lost in my own mind when it comes to these things?
Who knows. All I know is that I want a semi traditional wedding. I say semi because I'd like to take out the pointless traditions. For example, when the bride throws the bouquet, any sort of little thing like that. I'm not a fan. Also the STUPID games that the women play at the bridal shower. That's a whole other long chat..
When discussing the Bridal shower that is probably the one thing I will not be traditionally doing prior to my wedding. It always bothered me when I was little and had to sit through the bride opening all the gifts she received and watching my mom and her family play the ridiculous games that ask questions about either the bride or celebrity brides or whatever the case may be.
None of that will happen at my bridal Shower. It probably won't even be called a Bridal Shower. You know why? Because I won't be the only one using the gifts that I receive. My husband will be there with me, sitting next to me, opening gifts and everything. Its not like he'll be bored. It will be gifts that we registered for together. Everyone will be there. The groomsmen, the bridesmaids, the parents, the grandparents. It'll be kinda like the engagement party (if there is one). One. Big. Party.
Everyone should have an awesome time with everyone. And if you don't want to go you don't have to.
I don't know if it is this way in your family, but if someone didn't show up to someone's shower/wedding or doesn't want to or whatever it is, they flip. It's like a sin. Hey, if you don't want to come to my party/wedding it's not a problem at all. It's less money to spend on my part, and you are less miserable. I want to be able to celebrate my wedding and be happy with people that will be happy for me and enjoy themselves. Right? I think that makes sense.

Now this may seem odd that I'm talking about weddings and such but blame it on the TV! It's so in your face all the time, with the "Every kiss begins with Kayyyyy" and the wedding shows, the wedding dress shows, the Bridezilla shows, just everything! It's constantly in your face and me being a girl, I notice it all. It makes me think about my future and how I want to have it all work out. I feel like that's pretty reasonable.

And hey, the more I figure out now, the less I have to worry about later... right?...

Buonanotte Bella

I designed this at Converse.com

I designed this at Converse.com


yes please.

Sick, sad, little world.

Just recently someone that I grew up with in middle school and high school passed away from an overdose. He died September 23, 2011 and his birthday was only a few weeks after mine. He wasn't one of the smarter students, or even one of the "well-behaved" students but he was definitely the kindest and funniest that I met on my journey through middle school. I met him in 6th grade and he seemed to put a smile on my face everyday. Even though some days he would be a big troublemaker and hang out with the "wrong" crowd, in my eyes he seemed to be living his life how he wanted to.
I soon had a crush on him..
Even though we really just grew apart after that year, I always had a soft spot for him. The way his voice sounded, (because it had this rusty sort of sound to it) and he was always just a really nice guy. He was an excellent athlete. He excelled in so many sports and made so many friends.
I'm sure he loved his friends to death, but they were not the type of friends that would encourage him to do good in school, or take care of himself or any of that stuff so the environment that he grew up with was not so great.
Recently I found out that he went to rehab a little bit after graduating from high school and that made me sad.
I wondered what he was going through and who was the first one to offer him some sort of drug. Who started the horrible habits? How did he get into something so deadly? Was it still just the lousy environment he was in?
Was he living the lifestyle he wanted to?
When I found out through Facebook that he had passed, I quickly typed his name into Google to try and find out any information about him since I haven't heard about him in years. As soon as I finished typing his name, a mugshot from Florida popped up. Aggravated assault on a cop.
All of this information just buzzed around in my head for a couple days. I constantly wondered what his family must be going through, hoping that his friends and family would find the good things about him and not focus on the bad.
As I was going about my day, I kept thinking about how he can't continue on with his life, and make adult decisions like buying a car, paying for apartment rent, or even just being able to pick out a couch for his home. He can never do any of those things now.
I wonder what he thought about every night before he went to sleep. Was he happy with the way his life was? Was he struggling to just survive each and every day? No one really knows how he felt and unfortunately his life has ended.
A parent should never have to bury their child. It breaks my heart to have to hear about something like this. The fact that I knew him and made contact with him once before in my life, really made it hit home for me and I've broken down a few times. Even though I was not really friends with him, I feel hurt and damaged. A guy my age, his life is over, his story has ended abruptly and there is nothing that can be done except mourn the loss.

Rest In Peace Jeff Pancetti
6.23.91-9.23.11
You will not be forgotten.

http://www.facebook.com/always.remembered.never.forgotten